Dear Jordan Brand
I would like to take time out to say “Thank You”. Time and time again you have shown your benevolence. From dropping shoes on school days, causing kids to skip inconsequential things like school and education, to releasing limited colorways that only go up to a size 14 knowing that I wear a size 15 (yeah, I take it personally). “Thank You”. It’s not like you purposely play on the fact that, psychologically, sneakerheads are addictive narcissists eager to boost their own social status by rocking your footwear; competing every weekend with countless others, online or otherwise. It’s NOT like you knew that some people’s addiction to buying your shoes had gotten to the point that one could clinically diagnose them with text book co-dependency like some common hoarder (In no way am I talking about myself…screw it, who am I kidding?). No Jordan Brand, I would never accuse you of such a thing (at least not publicly to your face). You care too much about me as an individual to only see me as something so simplistic like a “consumer” or “target demographic”. You really want me to fly and I believe you.
Remastered… at a cost
Now I hear that next year, in 2015, you’re going to start making Air Jordan retros with better quality and you’re NOT not doing it for more money. “Thank You”. “Thank You”. “Thank You”. “Thank You”. I can’t tell you how many times I talk to other sneakerheads and someone will say “Man, if only there were a way for Jordans to cost more.” Every release day as I’m walking out of the store with my newest Air Jordans I struggle to figure out what to do with the remaining money I have left in my pocket. You knew my money would be better off in your hands. For example, it only cost you $16.25 to produce the latest batch of Air Jordan I’s that you sold for retail at $140. But you weren’t going to let a little thing like “quality” or “premium materials” affect your profit margin. You needed every penny of that $123.75 you made in profit revenue to offset the steep labor cost of that initial $16.25. No one could expect you to take a portion of that meager profit and spend it on something as whimsical as “quality”.
I’m surprised that you’re barely able to get by with only getting a return of 762% off of each shoe. That’s what I appreciate about you. Your pure, unfiltered honesty that you never exhibit. Sure you started out making quality products, made a name for yourself, and over time lowered your standards while periodically raising the price of the same shoes you’ve made before because you knew you could get away with it but who’s keeping count when you go out of your way to do so much for US? It’s like WE owe YOU. For years you’ve allowed us to wear your shoes of incrementally inferior quality overshadowed by brilliant marketing. Only a friend would do something as overtly selfish as that. You’re the friend I’ve always wished I had… to never wish I had.
Now many people will say that you could’ve increased the standard of quality without increasing the price to $200 but they don’t understand you like I do. They don’t appreciate you for the soul-less, billion dollar conglomerate that you are. They don’t understand how hard it is to count all of that money while filling your consumer base with disillusionment. The strain it must put on your eyes as you watch the numbers go up in your corporate account on your computer screen. The blisters that must form on your hands as you rub your fingers together trying to separate the crisp $1,000 bills freshly minted from the bank. I don’t think people understand how hard it realistically is to swim in a pool full of cash. The completely, unnecessary risk you take every morning nearly drowning in their money. Scrooge McDuck makes it look sooo simple.
Now it would be easy for someone to be a sarcastic smart ass writing you a smearing letter of contempt while simultaneously, and unsuccessfully, trying to be humorous. It would be too easy for this person to use stats and big words to make his point all in some failed effort to sound smart. Especially when you consider that this same person had no intention of being part of the solution to the problem that they themselves pointed out and would continue to buy your shoe and contribute to the gross corporate narcissism that they claim to despise. That person would be a hypocrite and I would tell that person to their face if I ever saw them (this might take a while seeing that I strategically removed all the mirrors from my house before writing this letter). Because despite the lack of consistent quality in your products, aesthetically, the designs and look of your shoes are still “super dope” and at the end of the day people would rather look good than feel good. Don’t believe me? Go to a club on a Friday night and check out the women willing to break their ankles to walk around in their stiletto heels, and then wake up that following morning to see guys willing to break the bank to walk around in $200 sneakers only to complain about the quality as soon as the first crease forms from only wearing them for an hour. So “Thank You” Jordan Brand, you’re the best.
P.S. Seriously though, quit making quickstrike colorways that only go up to a size 14. People with big feet need love too.
P.P.S. Ok, forget everyone else, at least go up to a size 15…