Dear Santa, how is it that brands who specialize in making athletic footwear DON’T MAKE THEM IN SHOE SIZES THAT MOST ATHLETES WEAR?!!
Wasn’t what you were expecting, was it? You saw the title “My Christmas Letter to Santa”, and based on that, you concluded that this would be some feel good, “tis’ the season” type of shit. Nope. This isn’t as much of a letter to Santa as it is a ‘cry for help’ to my therapist. But, I figured since it is Christmas time that it would be better (and cheaper) for me to vent my frustrations to St. Nick himself.
Now typically people wish for things that they DON’T have. Like, in my case, I wouldn’t waste a wish on wanting to be fat. It’s quite obvious that that wish has been granted in full. Some might even say more than once. So IF you’re going to wish for something make it count. In my position I could easily ask for THIS shoe, or THAT shoe. But I just want the same opportunity that every other sneakerhead has who was fortunate to be born with regular sized feet. I want the ability to expand and fill my collection with other shoes besides the usual suspects of Nike/Jordan Brand. I want the chance to buy an ASICS Gel Lyte III or a Diadora N9000. I would love to be able to rock the newest New Balance collab. But I can’t buy what they don’t make.
I’ve even had someone from a particular brand that most brands don’t think there’s money in expanding their size run. They don’t there’s a market in shoe sizes 14 and up. That leads me to this question, “How would you know if you don’t test the waters?” I hear from countless people, who also wear large-sized sneakers—on social media, forums and groups— that they feel ignored. THERE’S NO MONEY IN MAKING SHOES IN LARGER SIZES?! Think about that shit. That’s like Trojan condoms saying there’s no money in marketing to college students. Where’s the logic behind that?!
Now this isn’t my first time addressing this issue. But I figured that this time, if I addressed Santa instead of the different sneaker brands directly, maybe he’d have a better time of reaching them than I could. Plus, how could anyone say no to Santa, right? AND, to ensure my frustrations are articulated in full, I’m addressing this to black Santa. Yeah I said it. (Big ups to the Mall of America). There’s a certain relatability-factor wherein he KNOWS my struggle and he SEES my pain. So, having said that, this is my Christmas letter to Santa. It reads…
Dear [Black] Santa,
This is me, Caesar, passive-aggressively writing you in hopes that you are able to talk to, and reach, these jackasses at these different sneaker brands. And when I say ‘jackasses’, I say it with all due respect. Now I’m hoping that you can take my message to them and relate it in a “black Santa-like” way. This bullshit theory that people with large-sized feet won’t buy shoes from ASICS, New Balance, etc., is completely false. Here’s my experience with each one……
I like Saucony. Not enough to say her name correctly (which is “Sock-a-knee” by the way), but enough to spend my hard earned money on her. She’s the cute girl with a pretty face but who’s name continues to elude me whenever I see her, so I try to cleverly address her with pronouns until her name comes up in conversation, which, at that point, I can then proceed to call her by name as if I knew what it was the entire time we were talking. Despite all of that, she’s still hot enough to wear around my friends and family. I’m not ashamed of being with her in public. I WANT to go to places—like the movies and the mall—with her. But she doesn’t make my size in any of her shoes that doesn’t look like it’s the official shoe of AARP. I don’t feel like I’m her top priority, so therefore I’m not that invested into her.
ASICS?! That fucking flirt. For 2 years now she has winked and smiled at me as if she wanted me to be inside of her… shoes. (Get your minds out of the gutter, it’s a fucking letter to black Santa). And what do I get for it? Blue toes. She even had the nerve to come in a size 14 knowing damn well that I could only wear a size 15. Why even tempt me like that? That’s the sneaker equivalent of coming over to my house late one night wanting to just literally talk and cuddle. Yeah, that’s all great for HER. Now excuse me while I go to the bathroom, suspiciously turn on the faucet on the sink—as to drown out any other incriminating sounds being made—and emerge from that same bathroom 8 to 10 minutes later looking like I just got caught doing something I wasn’t supposed to be doing. Fucking tease…
New Balance tried to hit me with that “it’s me, not you” line. Cut the bullshit and just tell me that you want to make shoes for other people in other sizes. Trying to “let me off easy” only makes it all the more painful with her trying to seem like she had good intentions. She loved when I would read her release dates on the show. She’s been leading me on this whole time making a few nice pairs in my size and then, right when I get attached, she’d become distant again. If she would’ve taken the time to make the distinction of the type of relationship we had in the first place, maybe I wouldn’t have had expectations of her. But Santa, if you do see her, tell her to call me.
Diadora, I don’t blame her. It’s the world that doesn’t want to see us together. True, we come from two different worlds—me being from Detroit and her being from Italy. People don’t think that a guy like me and a shoe like her should be together. They say, “it’s unnatural. It’s too much of a culture clash.” My family tells me that I should find me a nice “black” shoe to wear. But the heart wants what the heart wants. I don’t care where she comes from, just as long as she comes with extra laces and a matching shirt.
This Christmas, I’m hoping that you, black Santa, can maybe woo them better than I can. Maybe a little holiday magic is what’s needed in this situation. I apologize for the language. Maybe it wasn’t the best way to begin this letter with calling them ‘jackasses’. But I did say “with all due respect.” Plus, this is 3- years’ worth of frustration bubbling out. But you’re black Santa, you know where I’m coming from.
Anyway, if you could convince them to show me, and my big-footed brethren, some love, I’d appreciate it.
P.S., By the way, if you happen to encounter Peter Jansson in your travels, tell him that I NEED the SNS X Adidas D Rose 7 in a size 15. Thanks again. #TeamBigFeet
If you too are a large sized sneakerhead and you’re tired of being ignored by each of the sneaker brands mentioned in this letter, go to change.org/p/asics and sign Afrikan Caesar’s petition to get companies like ASICS, New Balance, Diadora, and Saucony to begin extending their size runs to accommodate larger sizes.